Suicide is a way of dealing with pain. The pain may be psychological or physical or both, but the person who kills themselves has come to believe that death is the only way out. It is hardly ever the result of a sudden impulse, but is considered very carefully before being acted out.
Contrary to popular belief, suicide is most common among the elderly. Elderly suicides are typically lonely and chronically ill, and see no point in continuing a life which has become intolerable. They may decide that they would rather die with dignity than end up in a nursing home or hospital. Elderly suicides are usually quite stable mentally. They tend to make careful plans, and often update their wills and say goodbye to people shortly before taking their life.
Young and middle-aged adults commit suicide for a variety of reasons. They may have suffered a major setback in their career, or had a marriage break up, or be in chronic pain or mentally ill, or be chronic abusers of alcohol or drugs. Usually there is not one single cause, but a number of experiences which build up until finally they get to the "straw that broke the camel's back". The "straw" might appear quite trivial to other people, but for that person the limit has been reached.
Teen suicides usually have shown a number of signs of being troubled and are usually loners. Teens are often self-obsessed and have little sense of proportion, and are more likely than adults to suicide on impulse. In addition depression is common in the teen years, although happily it is normally outgrown once hormone levels stabilize.
Suicides usually have "tunnel vision". All they can see are their problems, and no matter how hard their loved ones try, it can be almost impossible to get them to see that there are other things in life apart from their own pain and despair.
Feelings
The first thing most of us feel when told that someone we love has killed themselves is disbelief: "They weren't that kind of person" or "Surely they weren't in that much trouble".
This is followed by anger towards the deceased for not getting help, and for being selfish and causing their loved ones so much pain. This anger is perfectly normal and is experienced by almost everyone who knows a suicide.
The next common feeling is guilt: "Why didn't I know how bad they felt?" "Why wasn't I more understanding?" "Why did I have to go out that day?" The fact is, if a person is really determined to kill themselves, there is very little we can do. People who are determined to kill themselves can be very deceptive. Indeed, once they have made the decision they can actually appear to be feeling better. This makes the shock even harder to bear.
Sometimes we try to rationalize away our feelings by saying things like "They were in constant pain" or "They didn't have long to live anyway". This gives us permission not to really feel our loss. In the long term it is only by talking about the suicide in depth and acknowledging all our feelings that we can truly get over our grief and get on with life.
Letting go
The hardest part of grieving for a survivor of suicide is accepting that our loved one's decision was totally outside our control, which means also accepting that they chose to leave us and then dealing with the feelings of being abandoned that this will bring up. We need to realize that we will probably never understand what thoughts they had that made dying seem to be their best alternative.
It may mean revising our view of the person who has died, and acknowledging that there were other things in their life that were more important to them than we were.
Other people's reactions
While suicide has been seen as an acceptable choice by many cultures throughout history, in our culture there is a strong stigma attached to it. In fact, in many of our religions it is a serious sin. People who kill themselves are seen to have somehow failed themselves, their families, their society and even their God. It is unfortunate that survivors of suicide, who need a lot of support for a long time, often have the added burden of trying to educate other people.
Compassionate people will often make the assumption that the person who killed themselves was mentally ill. You might find this very insulting because you don't believe that they were. You may even think that the suicide had good reasons for doing what they did. If this is how you feel, remember that these people are simply trying to make sense of why someone would take their own life.
Sometimes people are worried that they will say the wrong thing and hurt you more than you have been hurt already. This could be because they have strong beliefs against suicide or because the whole subject embarrasses them. The result can sometimes be that they avoid you altogether rather than risk saying the wrong thing. You may need to be strong enough to approach them yourself and let them know that you would like to talk to them about the person you have lost. It can be hard to have to deal with other people's issues when you are experiencing so much pain yourself, but if you can manage it, it helps to not let yourself be isolated by other people's embarrassment.
Washington State's King County Crisis Clinic has a Survivors of Suicide support group which serves other, nearby, counties as well. Your own local crisis line may be able to help you contact similar services. Look in your telephone book. In the Seattle area the relevant crisis line numbers are:
King County Crisis Line: (206) 461 3222
Snohomish County Crisis Line: (425) 258 4357
Pierce County Crisis Line: (253) 272 9882
