Sometimes someone dies after a long illness. They may die in hospital, in a nursing home or in their own bed, but for the survivors there are a number of issues which come up.
If a person has been in a lot of pain for a long time, their death can come as a relief to the people who loved them. We think, "At least they have stopped suffering". Perhaps they have been an emotional, physical or financial burden. The strain of visiting a loved one or caring for them at home can mean we feel almost glad that they have finally died and freed us from our responsibility.
Often the survivors have already "said goodbye" in their minds long before the person dies. Their actual death can seem almost to be unimportant because their family and friends have already done most of their grieving.
Whatever the circumstances, it is common for the survivors to feel guilty when someone finally dies from lingering causes. We feel guilty because we feel relieved, and believe that means we must be heartless. In fact, a feeling of relief is normal and healthy.
Dealing with someone who is dying slowly is extremely stressful, so of course part of us is happy that the stress is over. If we did not feel relieved it would mean we were focusing on the dead rather than on the living, and it is with the living that our future lies.
If you need resources for dealing with grief, the number of your local crisis hotline will be listed in the telephone book. These hotlines are usually able to refer people to the appropriate resources in their area. In the Seattle area the relevant numbers are:
King County Crisis Line: (206) 461 3222
Snohomish County Crisis Line: (425) 258 4357
Pierce County Crisis Line: (253) 272 9882
