Someone you know may be experiencing grief- perhaps the loss of a loved one, perhaps another type of loss - and you want to help. The fear of making things worse may encourage you to do nothing, but it is better to try to do something, inadequate as you may feel, than to do nothing at all.
Your desire is to assist your friend down the path of healing. They will find their own way down that path, but they need a helping hand, an assurance that they are not entirely alone on their journey. It does not matter that you do not understand the details, your presence is enough.
The following ten steps will help you to help those you care about during a difficult time.
Stay in contact. Unless they tell you otherwise, don't assume that your friend or family member wants to be alone with their grief. Your support is important. Remember, it's not a matter of what you say, it's a matter of being there.
Keep in touch - literally. Touch is very comforting and healing. Even if you are not on hugging terms with the bereaved, a warm handshake or hand on the arm or shoulder shows support without being overwhelming.
Let them talk. Talking about the person who has died is an important part of coming to terms with a loss. It may be painful for you to hear, but the bereaved person needs to tell their story until it no longer hurts.
Accept emotions. Don't be embarrassed if your friend wants to cry. Crying is very healing - tears of sorrow actually contain traces of the brain's natural painkillers. Anger is a very common reaction to a death, and your friend may feel guilty for feeling angry. You can reassure them that their feelings are normal and natural.
Be sensitive. Some people want to be held, some want to talk, some want to just sit and be silent. Let them know that you will support them in whatever way works for them.
Don't compete. You may be hurting too, but your friend has enough to do handling their own grief to worry about supporting you. This is the time for you to be strong and supportive. If you need support yourself, you must ask for it elsewhere.
Don't make comparisons. Everyone's grief is different. Saying "It was only a pet", or "He would have been a vegetable if he'd lived" does not help someone who is trying to come to terms with a loss.
Don't make judgements. The early stages of grief are not the time to tell a bereaved person that the accident was the dead person's fault, or the ambulance should have been there faster, or the doctor should have diagnosed the problem sooner. Keep your judgements to yourself.
Give practical help. Just saying "Let me know if I can help" often is not enough, because the bereaved person may be unable to think clearly enough to know what they need help with, or they may be reluctant to ask for help even if they do know what they need. Do they need a ride to the bank? Does the dog need walking? Is there grocery shopping to do? Do clothes need to be taken to Goodwill? Offer to help with specific tasks.
Don't take over. The bereaved person is not crippled or mentally subnormal. They are in pain and confused, but they will resent it if you try to take over everything without permission.
If you need resources for dealing with grief, the number of your local crisis hotline will be listed in the telephone book. These hotlines are usually able to refer people to the appropriate resources in their area. In the Seattle area the relevant numbers are:
King County Crisis Line: (206) 461 3222 Snohomish County Crisis Line: (425) 258 4357 Pierce County Crisis Line: (253) 272 9882
