Losing someone to a violent death is a shocking and life-changing experience. It permanently changes the way you feel about the world, about other people, and about yourself When someone we love is murdered we need all the support we can get from friends and family, and it is important to also get help from a counselor experienced in this area.
Denial
People who have lost a loved one by murder are often so shocked that they are numb. They cannot deal with the horror and pain so they shut it off This may be mistaken for courage or for cold-heartedness, but it is a way for the mind to protect itself by learning to deal with the murder bit by bit.
Anger
It is normal to feel angry when someone dies, but when they die by murder the anger is much greater. It may not only be directed at the suspect, but also at the victim, other loved ones, the police, at anyone the survivor thinks could have prevented the murder, and at God for allowing it to happen. Anger is a normal reaction and a way of dealing with the pain of bereavement, but if the survivor becomes obsessed with thoughts of vengeance they need help from a mental health professional.
Guilt
Murder is usually so senseless that we need to find a way to make it make sense. One way of doing this is finding someone to blame, and the closest person is oneself. We tell ourselves, "If only I'd bought them a mobile phone", "I should have known that X was unstable", "I should have made them learn karate", "If only I'd been there too", as though by doing that special something we could have prevented what happened.
However, we cannot see into the future. It is impossible to know in advance what piece of "magic" will avert a tragedy. It is quite possible that if you had been there, you would have been murdered too.
Losing Control
As soon as a murder is discovered, your loved one is taken away from you in another way than death. The police call it "their" case, and the forensic experts may want to keep the body for some time and in addition may want extra samples of clothing etc. If someone is arrested there is the stress of court hearings and trial dates. You feel that you have no control over what is going on. People will be asking questions just when you are least able to cope and have the least energy. You want the investigation to go well, but worry that you might have forgotten something important.
Asking questions
It is vital that you ask questions about the murder and the investigation. If you don't know what is going on you may invent things that are even worse than the truth.
The Media
You may find that reporters are phoning or visiting you asking for interviews, information, photographs, etc. You do not have to talk to them. The police are usually very helpful if you ask them to remove reporters, photographers and other unwanted visitors.
However, the media will write stories with or without your help, and you may be the only one with accurate information. Also, if the press are going to publish a picture of your loved one, you will probably prefer it to be a picture you like, so it may be a good idea to give them one.
You may find it useful to have your lawyer or a friend issue a short statement. In some cases, you may find it even more useful to speak to the media to make sure your side of the story is told. If there is something you don't want them to know, don't tell them, not even "off the record". In most cases there is no harm in talking to the press, but when a case is very controversial it is probably a good idea to get your lawyer's opinion first.
If you need resources for dealing with grief, contact your local crisis hotline. It will be listed in your telephone book. Some crisis organizations, such as Washington State's King County Crisis Clinic, offer a debriefing service for schools, corporations, etc. where someone has been murdered. Call your local crisis line for information on what is available in your area. In the Seattle area the relevant numbers are:
King County Crisis Line: (206) 461 3222
Snohomish County Crisis Line: (425) 258 4357
Pierce County Crisis Line: (253) 272 9882
