Adults often believe that children "do not understand" death, and think it is better not to discuss the subject with them. This can leave the child confused and fearful. Children should be encouraged to talk about the dead person, and their questions should be answered the child can understand.
When a family member or close family friend dies, it is important for someone close to the child tell them as soon as possible. Use language that is appropriate to the child's age, but try not to use too many euphemisms. For example, by saying "Grandpa has gone to sleep" you can make the child afraid of sleeping for fear they will die too, or they may keep asking when Grandpa will wake up. By saying "Grandma has gone to visit God" you are implying that she might come back someday. You need to make it clear that the person will not be coming back.
Also, don't be surprised if a child goes back to playing normally soon after being told about a loved one's death. Young children have short attention spans and are easily distracted. They also have difficulty "staying in" intense emotion for very long.
The following are some of the most common questions children ask, and some simple answers.
Why do people die?
It is natural for all living things to die. People die, animals die, and plants die. Dying is just the end of life and happens to everyone eventually. But it probably won't happen to me or you for a long, long time.
Where do dead people go?
Different people believe different things. Most people believe that everyone has a part of themselves that is like an invisible spark that never goes out, and that spark is called the spirit or the soul. When a person dies their spirit goes to heaven to be with God.
What happens to their body now they are dead?
When somebody dies and their soul goes to heaven they don't need their body any more. Sometimes we take the body to a cemetery in a special box and bury it in the ground. Sometimes we take it to a crematorium and it is turned into ashes that we can bury or scatter in a garden. It is good to put the remains somewhere special so we can visit them and remember the person who died.
Is death like going to sleep?
No, it's different. While you are asleep you are still breathing and your body still works. Sleep rests your body and keeps you healthy. When you die you stop breathing and your body stops working.
Does dying hurt?
When old people die they just drift away quietly. Even when someone is sick for a long time the doctors give them medicine so they don't hurt. In an accident, it is usually so quick that the person doesn't have time to feel anything.
Why can't we stop people from dying?
Sometimes we can. Doctors can fix a lot of things that people used to die from. But sometimes our bodies just wear out and stop working and they can't be fixed. And sometimes people get sick from things we can't cure, or have accidents where their bodies get too damaged to make better.
Is dying a kind of punishment?
No. People die because their bodies wear out or they get sick or have an accident. It's not a punishment, it's just something that happens to everyone one day. Most people live a long time though, and even if you get sick or have an accident it doesn't mean you will die.
Did (Name) die because I was naughty?
Of course not. Things like this happen all the time, and it doesn't have anything to do with what you might have done or not done. It's just the way the world is.
Why did (Name) go and leave me?
It doesn't seem fair, does it? But (Name) still loves you, and would be with you if he/she could.
When will I die?
Look at all the old people in the world. You will probably live a very long time just like them. And when you get old, you will accept that we all die sometime and you won't worry as much about it. Most old people are very happy and they know they will die one day.
Why didn't someone else die instead?
People die every day all over the world. Even if someone else had died, (Name) would still have died too.
Will I ever stop hurting?
Everyone hurts when someone they love dies. You might not believe me now, but I promise that you will feel better. You will still miss (Name), but it won't hurt so much. Talking about how you feel can help you feel better.
Why do we have a funeral?
A funeral gives everyone who loved (Name) a chance to get together to share their sadness and their memories of the good times they had together. It is a big comfort to know that we are not alone when we miss someone so much.
If you need resources for dealing with grief, the number of your local crisis hotline will be listed in the telephone book. These hotlines are usually able to refer people to the appropriate resources in their area. In the Seattle area the relevant numbers are:
King County Crisis Line: (206) 461 3222
Snohomish County Crisis Line: (425) 258 4357
Pierce County Crisis Line: (253) 272 9882
