Parents and grandparents normally expect to die before their child or grandchild. We see a child, especially a young child, as having his or her whole life before them, so the death of a child is a particularly heavy blow.
As well as being a life in itself a child also carries the hopes and dreams of the parents. Because of this, when a child dies, part of the parents' dreams die too. The feelings of disbelief and denial, which are common in the grieving process, are particularly strong when a child dies. Life seems very unjust.
If you are trying to give support to someone when a child has died, remember that you need to be patient. Often it will help the grieving person to see a counselor who specializes in helping with grief
Surviving Parents
It can be difficult for parents, in particular, to accept the death of one of our children, and this is perfectly normal. If a family is close they often can support each other, but sometimes parents find themselves needing to be strong and support everyone else in the family. We may feel as though we have no time to do our own grieving.
This can put a lot of pressure on a marriage, especially if one parent is blaming the other in some way for the child's death, or if one parent wants to talk about the lost child and the other is coping by trying not to think about what has happened.
The death of a child can have an effect on how we act towards our remaining children. We might feel anxious about the other children's safety and perhaps be over-protective. Or we might be so afraid of the pain of losing another child that we push the surviving children away.
Sometimes, just when parents are approaching the time of life when they expect to be living in peace and perhaps preparing for their own life's end, an adult child dies. This is not only very painful in itself, it can sometimes mean taking on responsibility for our grandchildren. Becoming parents of youngsters again while also dealing with bereavement is very stressful.
Surviving Children
Children and teenagers do not have the sense of proportion that comes from life experience. If the death of a child is overwhelming to an adult, imagine how much more overwhelming it must seem to another child, especially if that child has had no other experience of death.
Because many adults believe that children "do not understand" about death, we often think it is better not to discuss the death of a brother or sister. This leaves a child confused and fearful. They may think that the death was somehow their fault, or that adults are keeping a secret from them for some scary reason.
Surviving children can be very afraid for their own lives, and it is not unusual for them to get sick or have minor accidents. This is due to both the fact that they are worrying and the fact that, unconsciously, they may believe that they need to be sick in order to get attention from grieving adults.
Even though everyone may appear to have recovered, you can expect that every year on significant holidays or the birthday of the dead child the surviving parents and siblings will probably feel a new wave of grief. This should diminish as time passes.
If you need resources for dealing with grief, the number of your local your local crisis hotline will be listed in the telephone book. These hotlines are usually able to refer people to the appropriate resources in their area. In the Seattle area the relevant numbers are:
King County Crisis Line: (206) 461 3222
Snohomish County Crisis Line: (425) 258 4357
Pierce County Crisis Line: (253) 272 9882
