By its very suddenness, accidental death leaves the survivors trying to cope with a situation that we are simply not prepared for. We are shocked and disbelieving, and may feel guilty that we weren't there or were unable to prevent the accident or stop the person from dying.
If we were not there when the accident happened, we may ask themselves "Why did I let them go out?" or "If I had only gone with them". We may find that we want to know all the details of the accident and exactly how the person died. If we were there, we may blame ourselves and think that other people blame us too.
When someone has died in an accident, the survivors often feel angry and frustrated. We may become obsessed with blaming and punishing other people who were involved with the accident even when it may clearly have been either no-one's fault or the fault of the person who died. This is partly to deal with our own feelings of guilt, and partly to try to make some sense out of what often is a senseless occurrence.
We may find it impossible to concentrate, even on watching TV. We may shut out everyone and everything and become lost in our memories of the person who has died. This is normal, and will usually pass in a few months.
We may become over-protective of people around us for fear that those people will die in an accident too. We may develop a fear of anything connected with the circumstances of the accident, so that we refuse to swim or to ride in a car. We may even become so afraid that we refuse to leave the house.
These reactions are normal. If someone you know is reacting to an accidental death in any of these ways, you can help by handling things for the bereaved person until they feel recovered enough to take over for themselves. Encourage them to talk about their feelings either with you or with someone else who is a good listener. However, if symptoms last for more than a few months, the person probably needs to work with a counselor who specializes in grief-related issues.
After the worst of our grief has passed, it can be helpful to get involved with activities aimed at preventing other accidents of the type that took our loved one. We might volunteer with a road safety action group, or assist with teaching children to swim. Such activities can help us cope with our pain and feel that something good has come out of our loss.
If you need resources for dealing with grief, the number of your local crisis hotline will be listed in the telephone book. These hotlines are usually able to refer people to the appropriate resources in their area. In the Seattle area the relevant numbers are:
King County Crisis Line: (206) 461 3222
Snohomish County Crisis Line: (425) 258 4357
Pierce County Crisis Line: (253) 272 9882
